The Goldengrove, Stratford

Had quite a pleasant night in here with chums - until I ventured to the lav. I usually brace myself for the 12-inch thick waft of stale Monday club wee, but what I encountered was far worse. A gent from overseas origin was hogging the sinks with his array of �pour homme� fragrances. I thought this poor homo (me) has to now avoid washing his postpiss hands or be subjected to a base exchange about targeting the wetness between women�s thighs with a new found �get jiggy with it� whiskey courage. My whole night was ruined, knowing that the khazi was now out of bounds thanks to the shudder inducing presence of a lecherous bog troll. Hang your heads in shame Wetherspoons, take this middle-leg cut-eyeing upstart off the payroll and let punters arc their Fosters in peace.

10 Feb 2012 17:29

The Faltering Fullback, Finsbury Park

Has a smug self-knowingness about it all. Gets really packed with beret endorsing north London trendies, all wearing scarves in the summer ffs. Beers like Stella and Staropramen add to the unoriginality of it all. Nobody ever has cash when paying for a �Sex in Prison� cocktail, they pull their plastic out every time, never thought I'd long for some Harry Ramp counting out a "day's begging" worth of foreign coins to pay for his triple Teacher's & Meths chaser. Always seem to end up in the main thoroughfare of those sprinting to the washrooms for a double flusher, resulting in most of my pint spilling down the enhanced boobs of some rake-thin, record producer�s other half�..

15 Jul 2009 16:39

Leyton Orient Supporter's Club, Leyton

It has the best lower divisions toilets in the world. One can gamble on dumping freely without worry of some cockney wee attaching itself to one's bottom. The beer is fruity, just like the men. I cruise there most Saturdays and pick up plenty of hunks.

5 Aug 2008 16:52