The Fox and Hounds, Toys Hill

Basil Fawlty before he went on a �Better Customer Service� course� visit at your peril!!

Nothing could have prepared us for Sunday lunch at this establishment; other than perhaps a morning watching episodes of Fawlty Towers and action movies such as �Platoon� and �Full Metal Jacket�! In the case of this pub, �Metal� should really be spelt with an �N�.. Like all the best true stories, this one starts slowly, but the pace does pick up�

A hint might have been gained through the original booking telephone call, (yes, we booked), where the gent at the end of phone proceeded almost immediately to correct the time that had just been agreed by both parties for the lunch � no problem; a detail we thought� However, the fun really started upon arrival. In-situ at the time dictated by the landlord during the booking telephone call, and having given our name, we were told that our table was not ready; �you�re table 7� we were told. No problem, a drink and a sit down in the pleasant if busy bar area. Drinks were ordered, only to discover that we had turned into table 11, which we took to be a small table in a side annex that was being cleared, again no problem. I left my partner to deal with the food order. However, upon asking again at the bar about the table, we were told that we were �being put on table 19, but then we would be swapped over�� no problem, we�ve stumbled into a pub that is test marketing combining the restaurant with a bingo hall � British innovation at it�s best we thought�!
In the intervening period the food order was given, and then (stick with it, I told you the pace would pick up), as I arrived back at our drinks table a waitress emerged at another table just adjacent, that itself seemed to have materialised from nowhere to such a degree that I would have been unsurprised to see David Tennant standing on top of it enveloped by an ethereal space mist.. But when it comes to mist, even the good Doctor couldn�t compete with the red one that was to be emitted from mine host..

In a pincer movement that would make a Starsky and Hutch two car skid look turgid, another waitress appears with two plates of food almost as the other (antiparticle furniture constructing) waitress withdrew.. The plates were literally hovering, waiting for us before we had sat down. The feeling was one of being survivors of a shipwreck who had been pulled aboard a fishing trawler and who had to be fed (perhaps force fed) any hot foodstuff at the risk of otherwise collapsing through malnutrition. The whole event seemed like a dream sequence, and having allowed the dopamines to kick in and realise what had happened, it became apparent that we had been moved, and moved finally, to an impromptu table in the bar area. My partner complained that she didn�t feel comfortable sitting at that table, and so like a lost soul searching for the light, I found myself carrying my plate of food towards the (presently) empty table that should have been ours, in the search for someone who could �help me�!

At last, help arrived in the form of our blue shirted host, �you can�t have that table it�s being set up for someone else� I was told, �but what about our original table� we are not happy being stuck in the bar area� I exclaimed. �Well there�s still people on your table, what do you expect me to do, chuck them off� came the retort. Suddenly it became apparent that this trawler was in fact more Somali than saviour.. I returned to our table to report the response to my partner�, blue shirt approached, �This is all I can offer� he stated �and if you don�t like it you can get out, I haven�t got time for types like you today�.. We agreed to take up Blue Shirts kind offer to return to the choppy waters of starvation, given that drowning is supposed to be quite a pleasant death, where-as another second in this man�s presence would have left me not as I wish to be remembered. But wait, all�s not lost; blue shirt decided to do the hospitable thing and escort us to the door stating �there�s just the drinks to pay for then� (we had hardly touched them given the nanoseconds between order and delivery�. I can still remember the hot, clammy breath of blue-shirt upon the hairs of my neck as we left; the parting pleasantry from our host being �off you go, professional whingers�!

However, having recounted the above, no story should ever be just a missive filled exclusively with �negatives�, and we would take issue with several reviews that refer to the busy, small car park. In our view, the car park was the best part of our visit to this establishment; we were certainly pleased to get back out onto it. So if you must visit, stay in the car park and eat your sandwiches; at least you�ll know where you�re sitting, and the food won�t come as a surprise.. but perhaps best to keep your engine running.. just in case!

23 Mar 2010 13:57