The Dovetail, Clerkenwell

I'd always assumed this place was something special, given how packed it usually is. Went here for our work Christmas party, and was pretty disappointed. The food, at �25 per head for the set menu, was desperately poor: roast beef left under lights for so long it was essentially leather, desserts that weren't what they said, and had clearly been bought (some of them still had bits of foil wrap glued to them). Waitress was nice enough about it, but the manager denied there was any problem, saying "no-one else has complained".

Not been in here for non-Christmas food, so maybe they just think this is a good season to fleece people by serving them prefab rubbish at a steep markup. I'm not going back to find out, though.

16 Dec 2011 10:58

The Prince Albert, Camden

Went to the Prince Albert with high expectations, and had them all expertly crushed. Service was disinterested verging on insolent ("Hi, do you know what time the live music starts?" "No idea." <wanders off>). There was pretentious literature on all the tables pronouncing the place's rare character and "eclectic interior", the latter description presumably written by someone who thinks having both tables *and* chairs in a pub is a generous concession to the punter.

My main complaint was the food, however, described in the blurb as "fine dining". Whatever one's opinions on the gastropub revolution, you at least expect to get something edible. I opted for the "sausage and mustard mash with onion jus", the description of "onion jus" on reflection being a very bad sign indeed.

It's hard to cock up sausage and mash with onion gravy. If one were to try, however, the Prince Albert provides a handy tutorial. First, select overspiced, under-meated sausages with a rusk content higher than the average kindergarten and the texture of insulating foam. Then bake the crap out of them until they form a thick, impermeable coating of gnarled filler that goes "bonk" when you hit it on a table. For the mash, eschew actual potatoes for the main part, preferring instant mix with Coleman's mustard powder added. It can be challenging to get the right lumpy consistency with mix, though, so you may want to have some elderly chopped potatoes on hand to lend the necessary gravitas to your meal.

Finally, as any fule kno, onion gravy is exactly like a strip tease - less is more. Indeed, if you provide little enough "jus", your victim--sorry, "customer"--will have no idea how good it was, and will give you much benefit of copious doubt, having already been wowed by your prowess with the humble potato. Serve at a tenner for fun and profit; rub hands together evilly, possibly cackle once or twice.

In summary, I give the Prince Albert three out of ten, this being the number of times the urinals overflowed in our presence.

7 Oct 2008 16:31