The Plough Inn, Hillsborough

Synopsis: A reasonable pub marred by a god-awful bistro.

Before I begin, I should make it abundantly clear that what is written here does not apply to the downstairs bar of the Plough Inn, Hillsborough. This is a perfectly ok, reasonably "traditional" north Irish bar, complete with a James Joyce award for "authentic atmosphere" and a bronze plaque bearing a quotation from "Ulysses". The rather unfavourable review I'm about to write applies to the upstairs bistro, where, after sampling the horrors of their vegetarian choice, a gorgonzola sandwich and a glass of claret would have seemed like very heaven.

Let's start with the good points. The bistro is reasonably priced - at the time of writing, �16 was being charged for two courses, which isn't bad for a Sunday lunch in the nobbiest town in Northern Ireland. The staff are nice. Lovely, in fact. The service is prompt, courteous and understated.

Alas, all of this is is completely cancelled out by the bloody awful food. And the bloody awful decor. Trust me, the last thing you want when you're taking your 72 year old mother out for her birthday to the restaurant of her choice, is to be first led through a cosy and welcoming conventional pub eatery, complete with open fires, low ceilings and cheerful families, only to be confronted with the fact that your seat seems to be positioned somewhere within Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen's worst Absinthe fuelled nightmare. I *cannot* state this frankly enough - the "modernised" wing of the Plough *is* the stuff of nightmares. Lime green on one wall, undulating dark wood on another, Pugin print in cerise velvet on another one, and headboard quality brown silk padding on yet another. These really aren't the best surroundings in which to eat. The fact that this part of the establishment is blessed with the acoustics of a cold meat locker, acoustics which were, when we visited, contending with the full horror of a souped-up Christmas mix-tape, is no help.

The menu, however, looks nice. Well, it does at least if you're a carnivore. There's some seasonal food, although some of it isn't that local, and the rest is, in some cases, frankly bizarre - I mean, where are you meant to get fresh oysters from in the Lagan Valley? In December?

This is where my beef really begins. As a veggie with pretty serious hyperoxaluria, I'm used to having to sit out some courses when eating away from home, so I didn't really mind that the only vegetarian option on the starter menu contained ingredients I can't eat. However, I'm definitely not used to seeing my Mum being served mussels you could play squash with, lying on a "bed" of linguine so over-boiled that it was practically indistinguishable from the sauce. The mains weren't much better. I don't know what was going on in the kitchen - possibly the cook was absent or hungover (it was a Sunday after all), but everything was cooked to within an inch of its life. One of our party was treated to leather chicken - although I'm assured that it was perfectly edible once they'd made it past the vulcanized exterior. The grilled goat's cheese I'd been looking forward to (for it was the only veggie option on the main menu - dear help the vegan brigade) was reduced to a claggy, gag-inducing soup. It was served with the same sodden linguine which had dismally accompanied my Mum's starter.

There really is no excuse for food so bad it makes prospect of having desert feel like looking down the wrong end of an auto da fe. There's *definitely* no excuse for charging for it.
It's a shame that such excellent waiting staff are wasted in this place.

When quiet, the downstairs bar at The Plough is fine. It does roughly everything a bar should do. The Guinness is drinkable. The surroundings are cosy. Nobody tries charging you �16 for bowls of vegetables boiled to buggery and beyond. You could do a lot worse. Just don't expect it to have much of a soul. And don't venture up the stairs.

I'll admit that I don't like Hillsborough. I never have, and I never will. It's an upwardly mobile version of Lisburn, with better architecture and a slightly lower rate of irrational and near fatal beatings. If you want the authentic Northern Irish drinking experience, you won't get it here. If you want the authentic Northern Irish dining experience, you won't find it here either. You'd be better off with a six pack of Guinness and a pastie supper. Vegetarians may want to try two litres of crap over-sweet "Irish" cider and a curry chip. It'll have much the same effect on your digestive system as the "grilled" goat's cheese on offer at The Plough's bistro, but at a fraction of the cost.

Mind you, Mum said that her main course of suckling hog was nice. And the champ was fine, but, then again, if you're offering pub food in the six counties, and you can't make decent champ, you might as well throw in the towel and send your chef off to beat himself to death with a 2 stone bag of Kerr's Pinks.

10 Dec 2007 04:03