The Derby Arms, Epsom Downs

I was in the Derby Arms on Derby day itself, and had quite a peculiar experience! All the baf Staff were wearing horses heads, in fancy dress what with it being the Derby and all. They were quite life like heads, and some 3-4 feet in height, so it was a little disconcerting. One of the barman got my order wrong, I imagine it was because he could not hear me through the head gear properly, as it was like a giant muffler, in a way. I ordered 4 pints of Heineken, but I was served 4 pints of Kronenberg. Anyway, an easy mistake to make, but an arguement ensued, which culminated in, effectively, a full size talking horse saying to me: "look, are you going to take the f@cking Heineken or not"?

Not wanting to get into an equine fight for the second time (I lamped an eight year old bay gelding in the pre-parade ring at Towcester), I backed down and took the Heinekens.

The Fruit machine had quite a sorrowful countenance, and evoked pity from my soul. Half the lights were not working in it, and it had seen better days.

The peanuts were good, mind.

2 Jul 2009 11:08

The Punch And Judy, Covent Garden

An appalling pub. I have not been this distressed since I attended a Coldplay concert, with Hard Fi supporting.

On the occasions I have been there, it has been a heaving sweat pit of fools with no manners. My friend got chatting to what seemed to be an amiable enough lady from Denmark, Aarhus, I believe. Her father imported plastic decorative figs. Anyway, I digress. She kindly offered to go to the bar and get the next round in, my chivalric friend kindly gave her the money for the round. We are still yet to see the aformentioned wench since. The last reported siting was of her purchasing a doner Kebab, swimming in Burgar sauce.

This is indicative of the clientele you get here, and the people of Aarhus ,where I understand 97% of all tourists are mugged, as per figures released by the E.U a week Tuesday.

Also, when I proceeded to buff my Walrus at my table, a member of staff raced over and insisted I must desist!

In short, I will never be going to this establishment again.

1 Jul 2009 13:29

The Horse And Groom, East Ashling

Me and some dear friends stayed at the Horse and Groom one evening, after attending the racing at Goodwood. Having had a pleasant enough day, and a few winners, we decided to go back to the Horse & Groom directly so as to sample the decent Ales on tap, and what we perceived would be the warm atmosphere of a good local, which we had checked into some 5 hours earlier.

Alas, we were somewhat wrong. Our entrance into the pub immediately drew negative comment (we were dressed in smart attire, having been racing), as we were likened to the Mormons. I don't even think the Mormons were a good band. Two of my friends were made to feel uncomfortable enough to immediately go and change. There was a bizarre local man who walked around the pub in bare feet, bemoaning the quality of his marrow crop from last Autumn and another incomprehensible old chap who had the worst-fitting pair of false teeth I have ever been startled by.

The young barmaid serving there seemed to be more occupied with the arrangement and viewability of her cleavage than of providing a friendly service. At the end of the night, I kindly offered her a drink, which she sharply declined. When I asked if she would like to just carry the tip over for another night, she said "Look, the sooner I have finished serving you the quicker I can go home".

In the morning, at Breakfast, we were greeted with chilled orange juice and an equally chilled reception. One of my friends found a hair in his breakfast, which was maybe a light escape, considering what we feared we may have found in our wares on that morning. We passed a lovely B&B called the Royal Oak no so far away, and I say we are more likely to stay here in future.

9 Jun 2009 22:00